WTF?

Britain's oversexed media should really organise a surreal comedy show at the Edinburgh Festival this week. First of all the Sun kindly offers a front-page appraisal of Wayne 'Shrek' Rooney's choice of prostitute with the words 'I don't fancy yours much'. Apparently prostitution is no place for 'Auld Slapper', a 48 year-old grandmother. If he must get a bunk-up in a massage parlour, he should at least have the decency to knock off women resembling his 'heartbroken fiancee' Colleen, according to tabloid reporters. They would know; it's a bit like the moment in the documentary Sex: The Annabel Chong Story where 'Seymore Butts' accuses Chong of making the porn industry look sleazy.

What they all need is the advice of 'super-regulator' Ofcom:

The regulator ... decided it was happy for celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay to turn the air blue with "fuck and its derivatives" when tormenting his contestants on Hell's Kitchen, but "fucking Jesus" was too far. While fuck and Jesus are fine on their own, running them together causes particular offence.

"Research indicates that the combination of strong swearing coupled directly with holy names is found highly offensive by believers. Like the broadcaster, we believe that the combination of a holy name and a strong expletive could not be justified in this context," Ofcom said, censuring ITV after complaints.

The key word, it seems, was fucking - because in the same set of rulings, Ofcom decided ITV did not breach its programme code when Tanya Turner, the bitchiest of the Footballers' Wives bitches, exclaimed "Jesus shitting Christ" after a love rival spiked her sunscreen with a skin irritant.

On his 25th anniversary, I'm sure none of this would trouble that sweary Viz character Paul Whicker the tall vicar.