The Loneliest Jukebox

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Monday, November 06, 2006

Pot, kettle …

An old reality TV quotation that I forget to use during Big Brother this summer:
Melinda Messenger reveals
If you could evict any housemate who would it be?
"I would probably go for Lisa because she can't say what she feels, she is very inarticulate. When she said about spaghetti on her pillows you were like what is she coming out with?"
(Friday 16 June Day 30, 22:16)
Quite. Winner Pete on the other hand had none of Lisa or Melinda's problems with articulacy...

Thanks to the internet
my wife is a very happy woman.
My penis is now forty-seven feet long
it stays erect for weeks at a time
and it is garlanded
by hundreds of genuine Rolex watches
acquired with the millions I have won in various Albanian lotteries
and the billions generously deposited
in my accounts
by the grateful executors of the wills
of innumerable African tribal chiefs
all mysteriously deceased along with their entire extended families
in improbably gruesome lawnmower accidents in Liechtenstein.
'My account with Lloyds has been suspended!'
(I don't have one.)
My wife's breasts enlarge and reduce
spontaneously as we use our 95% discounted software
to gaze at the pictures of our free timeshare apartments
enjoying continuous multiple orgasms whilst admiring our genuine Chinese historical artefacts purchased online from Hong Kong. Our garden is full of imported rubber.
Not rubber sex toys or even rubber boots just: rubber.
I have more free Coldplay MP3s than you could wave a suicide note at.
I also have 'Kate Moss Suction Power'.
I don't know what that is but I am hoping that it may be useful next time the toilet needs unblocking.
I now know the Cyrillic alphabet and the Polish for 'are you embarrassed about your size?'
Every morning a new surrealist word juxtaposition appears in my inbox
as the spammers seek to avoid the filter.
Applicator fornicate!
Consonant clitoris!
Hay fever padre!
Crabmeat be Paris!
Out evoke in robins!
Bestiality service charge!
Decomposing lark’s vomit engulf Crystal Palace!
(Ok, I made the last one upbut all the others are genuine...)
And to prove that truth is indeed stranger than fiction in our brave new world my website is recommended as one of the top fifty stockbroking sites on many search engines. Now that really is Pythonesque.


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