Appearance fee free

They say Viz is not as funny as it used to be. It's probably not as funny as Chris Donald's memoirs of editing the comic for 20 years. Anyway, there's a great scene in a recent 'Roger Mellie' (The Man on the Telly) where he's invited to host the 'Children of Bravery' awards and claim expenses: 'Well count me in ... I'm a fuckin' artist when it comes to claim forms ... A blank expense sheet is my canvas ... I once did a three minute piece about a skateboarding toad for Nationwide in 1978 ... an overnight stop in the Holiday Inn, Hull ... claimed eight grand.'

I was reminded of this by a recent Richard Ingrams piece in Sunday's Observer. Ingrams bemoans the shiftiness of the BBC when it comes to paying anyone for one-off appearances (while rewarding its executives and giving Graham Norton a sinecure). Call me a media whore, but I was not unsympathetic to Ingrams (for a change). His complaint confirms my recent experiences: an early morning phone call due to a shortage of guests or experts on happy slapping and I'm in the studio padding out the airwaves. In the past, when I was representing Sheffield CAM or other causes, the honour was its own reward and I would go on the BBC for the exposure. There was no talk of fees and any expenses usually found their way back to the campaigns I was speaking for. But when I'm on as a private citizen for whom punditry has become a part-time job, prompt payment would be nice. Otherwise I'll have to make Roger Mellie-style expenses claims.